Through my work as a Maternal Mental Health therapist, I have encountered many new moms who struggle to relate to their own mothers in their new role as grandmothers. These grandmothers are often beyond excited—chomping at the bit—to be involved with their new grandchild. However, the new mom is often apprehensive, unsure about the remedies being suggested (sometimes forced) for the baby’s wellbeing.

I frequently see this dynamic among children of immigrants, but it is not uncommon among third- or fourth-generation Canadians either. Differences in childrearing practices across generations can become a source of conflict between new moms and new grandmas.

For children of immigrants, however, this gap can be even wider. The ancestral knowledge our mothers and grandmothers carry may not be scientifically validated (yet), and when we are raised in a culture that emphasizes science and research, trusting this traditional wisdom can feel scary. This gap is often further widened by past traumas and conflicts with one’s immigrant mother. She may have been a barrier to participating in the typical teenage activities of this country, leading you to lie or keep secrets to meet those needs. Over time, this created a “spy/cop” or even “bounty hunter/fugitive” dynamic between you and your mom.

Now, as you find yourself in the trenches of early motherhood, she may suddenly become your greatest ally. She has been waiting for this moment—when all her “you’ll understand when you have kids” predictions start being realized. You start to understand why she did what she did, and just how deeply she loved you.

However, that moment of full understanding may not be here just yet. You’re not experiencing motherhood in the same way she did. Your relationship with your partner may look very different from her relationship with your father. One of the biggest surprises for some new grandmothers is how involved the dads want to be. A grandmother might expect to be by your side, only to find that your partner is already filling that role.

Beyond these generational and cultural differences, each of us brings our own unique personality and experiences to motherhood. As a therapist, I know there is no one-size-fits-all solution to these challenges. Working with a therapist who understands your cultural background can be incredibly helpful in creating a personalized plan to navigate these complex relationships. However, it may not always be possible to find someone from the exact same background as your family.

At WRWC, we place cultural context at the heart of therapy—whether it’s the culture of your country of origin or the culture of your individual family unit. We want to know all the parts and stories of you, so this new chapter can be more fulfilling. 

Written by: Nishi Banipal, M.Ed, RCC